Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 10.11.09 AMI’m at ten milligrams of Lexapro and holding steady. Dropping to five in a few days. I’m on a three-week cycle, designed by moi, in the absence of any professional guidance.

I had my first sexy dream in about a million years the other night. I can’t even remember what it was about. I think there was a striped T-shirt in there somewhere. Not quite sure. But it felt good.

I’m also pissed as hell these days. Happily pissed, but pissed nonetheless. Happily pissed means that I still have a sense of humor. I can still concentrate on other things. I am not consumed. I still have loads of kisses and hugs for my kids. Present still are the nightly massages for Ry who requests them. Bryan must continue to bear the ridiculous baby talking I do with Frankie, my budding BFF. I remain happy enough to prance around naked and wiggle my hips.

Frankly I’d rather be pissed than sad. Sad is the victim’s stance. And the very last thing I want to be is a victim. The victims I have met are all manipulative, emotionally violent people who have no idea how to ever say the words, “I’m sorry.” Victims are blamers, never accountable for their actions. They mope and worry and rationalize, point fingers and suspect the worst. I know. I used to be one. Trouble was, I couldn’t stand the pain. Living a lie is incredibly painful. Owning responsibility is liberating. Once I chose accountability, something powerful lit up inside me. It is a good, good feeling.

Life, especially as I round the corner to age 47 next month, is getting shorter by the minute. Instead of worrying about my anger or trying to yoga-zen-meditate-eastern philosophy my way out of it, I embrace it and put it to work. Trying to rid myself of a basic emotion is like painting a rainbow with no red. Like amputating my arm.

Anger exists for a reason. It is self-preservation, but must be used wisely or it spews everywhere, attacks everything in its path like a rabid, abused dog. I know people like this too.

Anger fuels my action and used intelligently, can get shit done. Anger gives me the fire to ask the questions I need to ask of people I suspect don’t want to be bothered. Anger permits me to not fear disapproval. Anger shows me the way to personal integrity and protects me from being a sucker. This is liberating. This is victory.

Have you put anger to work for you?

xxx